The Theme of Life

Since we're on the topic of life, here's the official 'U Sucks' life campaign jingle:

Choose life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family,
Choose a ****ing big television
Choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol
and dental insurance.
Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home.
Choose your friends.
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage.
Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase
in a range of ****ing fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who you
are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing
spirit-crushing game shows
Stuffing ****ing junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all,
pishing your last in a miserable home
Nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish,
****ed-up brats
You have spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future. Choose life.

Yes recite it in your sleep kiddies. I choose not to choose life so **** off...

Acknowledgement: Jingle from 'Transpotting', the movie everyone should watch to have a good laugh at one's sad deprived life

The Melodrama of Life

Now you must be wondering how the **** did I come up with such a great title for a posting? I didn't, I read it up while crapping in the toilet...

On with the show. While crapping (and after reading that), I caught on with the idea that life is really like a soap opera. Let's list down a couple of similarities:

• Bad script


• Inappropriate casting


• Lousy actors


• Exaggerated emotions


• Low budget


• Suitable only for idiots

And the list of similarities just goes on, but hey, its not anyone's fault that the world is full of over-dramatic shitheads. Ponder on it... too bad life is not like a porn flick...

Disclaimer: Idea for posting perverted from rule 60 of 'Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff' by Richard Carlson

Lag Time

Now some of you may be wondering why I have not been posting after 1 week of stupendous writing. No its not because I'm having a writer's block or that I have lost interest... no life is not so complicated you see.

I'm just doing what 90% of the human beings on earth are doing, BEING LAZY. I have always treated the other 10% as non-existant, since I have never met one of them. Now imagine if the 80% of our lazy bethrens suddenly converted to non-lazy beings, what a wonderful world it would be. Efficient, predictable and free of lazy bastards.

Time to start a campaign...

Blood Letting

Student forced to write apology in blood

A 17-year-old Japanese boy was forced by his teacher to write an apology in blood after dozing in the classroom, the school's principal said yesterday. The 40-year-old male teacher took the student to the staff room before handing him a box-cutter and paper to write an apology with his blood. Other teachers in the staff room did not notice what was happening, the principal said. — Reuters

(source: Today, tuesday, 22nd June 2004)

What can I say? Those perverted japs have finally provided us with the best solution the packs of horrible ghouls and zombies that are currently haunting our schools.

But writing blood letters isn't that effective right? So they just experience some pain and suffering which they rightfully should, that's all. Then they forget about the punishment. And are we allowed to mete this out on the fairer sex?

Taking all this into consideration, I have come up with a win-win punishment which will be similar to the one in the article:

Teachers can now punish students by asking them to donate blood

Yes! That's right! Didn't do your homework? Go down to the school clinic to donate blood. Dyed your hair? Go donate 2 litres. Punkster? Go donate blood. This will instill proper discipline inside schools, since we only have that much blood in our body. Our students (being able to think and all) will have to ponder twice before committing any felonies unless they want to be drained of their blood.

Best of all, the Red Cross will benefit from the increase in blood doners. I hope the Minister of Education is reading this...

The End of A Goal

I'm back after a weekend break...

In the midst of all the excitement for Euro 2004, a small piece of news seems to have slipped past un-noticed.

Here's the scrimpy news

Our premier football authority has announced the end of Goal 2010. As I raise my arms up in despair, I curse them for ending a dream and stopping something which I could laugh at when I felt bored. Curiously, there was no mention about how the goal was started in the first place (want to know? go find out yourself lah).

So why did Goal 2010 fail? Did we put too much pressure on our players? Is it an over-reliance on foreign talent? Are our players not skillful enough? From what I see on the soccer greens and courts, this is not exactly true. We have a lot of homegrown Zidanes, Figos and Henrys kicking the ball around every now and then. Nuture them and we will win.

However, it always seem that once they hit a certain age (or start playing professionally), they become bloody lazy. Yes, you can probably hear one say: 'Haha, I'm earning 3k a month for kicking a ball, no need for me to work so hard already.' They're just not on par in terms of fitness compared to the 'big' countries or our neighbours for that matter.

Now if we were to invite the old trafford or anfield crowd down for an S-league match, there will probably be a pitch invasion by the fans, who will want to smack every single player into oblivion. This is not due to inferior skills as compared to our english counterparts, but when u're talking about fighting spirit and piahness shown there, our players are downright lacklustre (ok maybe the Liverpool fans wouldn't invade cos they're used to these performances).

It's not like the coaches didn't try, everytime I hear them being interviewed, they talk about the players' general fitness. So what does this equate to?

Local players = Bloody lazy = You can forget about qualifying for World Cup

One final thing, there was no mention about how much money and resources were lost in trying to make Goal 2010 (i quote: 'an albatross') a success...

1984

'I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don't want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt...' Winston Smith

My gosh, I go down on my knees and hail George Orwell for delivering such words of liberating wisdom.

1984 was a brilliant socio-commentary and warning on the potential evils of the police state and totalitarianism. It was intended as a clear dig at the Communist Bloc during Orwell's time. Besides the sprouting of various memorable phrases, the novel contributed many new words to the english vocabulary (want to find out what they are? go read the book you lazy ass)

As I'm re-reading the book after a 9 year haitus (yes I'm that damn old), it struck me that the ideas that Orwell introduced in the book has clearly been mirrored in our present day society, so I feel there's a responsibilty for me, as a civic-minded person, to bring them to you.

So in the many postings to come, I will be regularly popping a few quotes from the book together with commentary and comparisions from yours truly. Remember...

*pic used without permission from thoughtcrime.org (heyz its in the spirit of 1984 rite)

Banks Sucks

Read this article from yesterday's today:

Thrashy Tabloid News

Now this is a total outrage. Many of you will be thinking of writing petition letters in to the banks to redress this issue for the visually handicapped (VH). The various welfare associations and all of you kind-hearted (but not so intelligient) people will come upon the banks like a fist of steel, pummeling the sense out of them, so I won't need to touch on how short-changed the disabled are in this sweaty island.

Instead I'll focus on lampooning the staff of the bank involved in this fiasco. If you have read the article, we have VH guy approaching the bank for a change of his damaged ATM card which he has been using for 9 years. Now he (hereby referred to as the Victim) was probably attended to by a counter staff or customer service executive (hereby referred to as the Dumb Ass) over the phone, so let’s imagine how the conversation went:

Victim: Hi, I think my card got worn out and I need to replace it.
Dumb Ass: *hohoho this is a routine job* sure mr victim, can I have your bank account number?
Victim: 1234567
Dumb Ass: *Checks through a database which would probably infringe on every privacy laws elsewhere, but hey who cares* What’s this? It says that you are visually handicapped!
Victim: Yes, I am.

This follows with a short period of silence where the Dumb Ass contemplates on what to do next:

Dumb Ass (to him/herself): Oh dear, I have never encountered a client who is VH. Arghhh, what should I do? Maybe I should pass this case on to my manager, he/she can deal with it properly and I wouldn’t need to lose any brain cells over it.
Dumb Ass: Mr victim, as your request requires some special attention, can I get back to you later on this number?
Victim: Sure thing.

Dumb Ass approaches the manager (hereby referred to as ****wit) on this. Now it is the manager’s turn to contemplate his/her actions:

****wit (to him/herself):
Shit, what’s this? VH? Damn you Dumb****, can’t you do this yourself? Let me review my big tome of bank policies (which probably has not been edited for the past 20 years) for some guidelines. Ah yes, it says we should actively discourage them from holding ATM cards. Yes yes, these poor souls, they must be unable to take care of themselves, how do you expect them to take care of their own money, they can’t see right? And if they can’t take care of the money, it may become the bank’s responsibility when the poor soul gets cheated of his money. This means MORE WORK FOR ME TO DO!!!!! This must be avoided!!!!
****wit: So Dumb Ass, here are my instructions, go settle it.
Dumb Ass: Yes boss.

So Dumb Ass calls the Victim and regurgitates what his/her manager has told him/her:

Dumb Ass: I’m sorry Mr Victim, we’re unable to issue you a new card, this has to be done for your own ‘protection’.
Victim: But I have been using the ATM for 9 years.
Dumb Ass: Errrr errrrr, I’ll refer you to my manager.

This probably goes downhill from here to the amazingly ridiculous act of asking the victim to identify numbers on a table.

So what’s my point you ask? Ok, I recognize the bank’s ‘genuine’ intent to help the less fortunate, but the point is probably none of the staff in the bank has any real experience and contact with a person who is VH. From the policy makers to management ****wits to executive Dumb Asses. Clearly this kind of ignorance can be due to the following:

1. Lack of intent by the bank to help the disabled


2. Bloody lazy staff


3. Inflexibility

Shit man! They are your bloody customers! What they put in your bank is their hard earned dough, how dare you put restrictions on access to their own money! Go **** yourself! May you all burn in hell!

Hmmzz looks like I did touch on how short-changed the disabled are, oh ****…

The Ka-chng Chronicles (or why blog?)

Ok before anybody starts wondering whether I have gone nuts in building this blog, I would like to discuss the actual reason why this blog is made...in my usual boring way of explaining stuff.

It all started with my ka-chng. As I'm typing this now, you'll find me lying on a bed (the wonders of a laptop). I have been bedridden for the past 2 days due to an injury to my ka-chng. It has caused me a great deal of pain and gave me a fever. I can't sitdown so now I get to enjoy the pleasures of lying on a bed and doing nothing for the whole day.

Now you might ask: "So have you finally lost it due to this?" With time and boredom on my hand, I decided to start wasting it away. What better way then to do up a blog? But what kind? I don't want to do a diary blog, it'll probably end up something like this:

27th August 2004
Dear blog, life sucks. Nothing much happens.

15th September 2004
Dear blog, life sucks. Nothing much happens.

This usually happens for people who completely lack personality (this applies to the millions of bloggers out there, yes, reality bites). The solution is to create a personality, and since I have been brought up in an environment where copying is the way to go, I decided to copy one from the many colourful characters that I have encountered.

And where better to get inspiration then from the forum-ners of a particular local forum. A typical forum posting and the replies will go like this:

Guy 1: *Complain about this and that using irrelevant and over-exaggerated reasons*
Guy 2: Errr....I think you got your points wrong.
Guy 1: **** u, u (whatever he is complaining against) supporter
Guy 2: But but I just wanna point out that...
Guy 1: Knnbccb, may your son be born without an arsehole
Guy 2: But but...
Guy 2 is banned from the forum as Guy 1 is an administrator

There you have it, my blog will feature lots of irrelevancy and politically incorrectness with lots of foul language, and all this because of a ka-chng injury, so have an open mind and enjoy the ride...

Burn Baby Burn

First of all, I would like to say that cascading style sheets sucks!!! I would like to apologise for living in an era of HTML 2.0, where everything ****ing hell worked properly.

Ok here's the real crap prim n proper. Read in the trash tabloid papers just now that some dickhead (16 yrs old) set another dickhead (13 yrs old) on fire cos dickhead number 2 'insulted' number 1's gf (probably 6 yrs old).

Here's the piece of utterly unimportant crap news

So now dickhead 2 is suffering in living hell while dickhead 1 is feeling remorseful. Yes dat's rite, boo hoo hoo i couldn't believe what a cruel thing I have done, well **** you dickhead. You just scarred and handicapped a kid who has probably not reach puberty yet, and your lawyer's defence is that you feel remorseful, brilliant.

Now this incident brings about the topic of juvenile law-breaking and the punishment to be meted out. As much as I would like to see this little dickhead burn in hell as an example to others, other kindhearted (but not so intelligient) people may argue that we have to give him time to rehab and reform under proper care and guidance; which usually means being detained in a juvenile prison while being counseled by trained professionals. Apart from the few genuine lao jiao social workers around, I think there is hardly anybody qualified enough to guide them nowadays.

Dat's a problem isn't it? In view of this, I would like to offer some solutions to curb this drop into juvenile delinquency hell:

1. Make them become monks for the duration of their sentence:
   
   Well a monks' life is all about discipline and steadfastness rite? A vegeterian diet will make them less prone to whacking the nuts out of 1 another since they'll have less energy. All that praying means they will have less time to think about sex and violence. We'll have to appoint a good head monk who will be able to lead the prayers. I strongly suggest my secondary school science teacher, his droning will put all to sleep thus eliminating the threats from those dickheads. And I think Ren Ci can do with a few more performers when they are doing their next charity show...
   


2. Put them in a school runned by our one and only infamous founding father:
   
   Yes, what better way to instill discipline and fear then to unleash him on the rascals. Not only will he make a superb and unyielding leader for these delinquents, transforming them from 3rd class losers to 1st class citizens, he has the uncanny ability to rise from his grave at crucial moments. What the ****??? you might ask. That ability will keep the boys on their toes and make sure they give their 100% when he's long gone (choi), thus maintaining his legacy forever and ever.
   


3. Hire Pastor Sun as head counselor:
   
   Now why didn't the people from the ministry of cockanadan development and sports think of this? She will be able to hold mini-concerts for the dickheads and this will guarantee ticket sales for her, something she probably lack in. Hmmzzz...wait, this is not beneficial for the boys at all isn't it? With her claims of being a juvenile rebel and her tales of boyfriend collecting during those days before she was rescued by the almighty, I'm sure she'll make a good counselor with all the experience she can share with the rascals. Dickhead 1 sure needs some guidance from her. She'll be able to put the point across to this jealousy filled idiot that a gal has the right to having lots of bf and being touched by them. You don't see the gal in the news report complaining do you?
   

So there you have it, I hope someone can pick this up from here and submit it to the feedback committe or something. May the 2 dickheads lead a better life after all this hoo-ha is over...

...****ING IDIOTS!!!!!!

Art thou sucks

Yes this is my 1st post, where hell will be unleashed on all the uninitiated, where bad things come to die a slow death, BUT WAIT! ****!!! My blog title read 'life sucks and the nudie' ?!??!?!?!?!?!!?

No, ****, I ain't no porno site, ****.****ed up.

Think I need to change the title...